Do I Have To?
by WatchingAsYouFall
Summary: I became invisible for you, whispered to you, left for you, forgot you, told you I hated you, died for you, I did everything. I sacrificed more than I had to begin with. MattxMello Matt POV


**[[A/N I wrote this years and years ago as a piece of coursework and just tonight, I uncovered it. I blew the dust off it and re-read it. It's really depressing... I depressed myself reading it... but it spoke volumes to me too and after reading alot of Matt/Mello fics tonight, I realised that it fit, y'know, if Death Note had a completely different storyline, Matt and Mello hadn't died and... ok so it doesn't fit. But it does sound like a good Matt/Mello fic. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!]]**

_Disclaimer: If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then I don't own Death Note. 1)Is L dead? 2) Is Matt dead? 3) is Mello dead? 4) Is Near still alive? _

**Do I Have To?**

_Do I have to be invisible for you to see me?_

Sometimes, I feel like I do. I can do the most impressive of all things, and you heed me no attention. I'm just there, a simple figure standing around you. Do you even know what my name is? I can run in front of you burning in flames, and you would look through me like I'm not there.  
What if I was invisible? Would you see me then? If you could feel something odd in the air around you, if you knew there was energy, would you know that I'm right there? Would you realise I always was?

_Do I have to forget you for you to remember me?_

I tell you everything about myself. I really open up to you, and you claim to care. But you just look right through me. By the next day, my heart is forgotten and the focus is back on you.  
But if didn't remember your name, would you still take me for granted? Would you wish that you knew me, and that I knew you too?

_Do I have to whisper for you to hear me scream?_

I laugh louder than anyone else when I want to catch your attention. It never seems to work, and it just makes me feel foolish. Its like you just block out my voice and you never have to hear it.  
But if I were to whisper to you, would that change anything? Would you feel my breath on your neck and turn around? What would it take?

_Do I have to leave for you to know I'm there?_

I follow you around all the time; I never leave your side. But you barely take notice of my presence around you. I don't seem to matter at all. I doubt you would miss me.  
So tell me, if I left, would you feel alone? Would you miss the constant companionship of someone by your side?

_Do I have to be dead for you to know I'm alive?_

Im so bouncy, so full of energy. I talk your ears off, I bounce around. All in the most feeble attempt to get you to notice me. I live life in the craziest manner, doing everything within my power to open your beautiful eyes up and see me. I never limit myself. You dont catch it. You cant see it, you've grown accustomed to it.  
Would it make a difference in your life if all of a sudden, I wasn't there? Would it sting you if you had to bury me? What would it do to you? Would you suddenly realise that I had always been there?

_Do I have to hate you for you to realise you love me?  
_

Somewhere, deep down inside of you, I know that you must love me. You must see me somewhere in there. You just never take notice to me, I'm just there. Its totally natural for you. I'm like a growth that you just push aside, ignore and never stop to look it.  
So if you had a surgeon remove me, would you feel like a part of you was missing? Would the wound become infectious? If I told you I hated you, would it dawn on you that I was your favorite feature all of this time?

_Do I have to be a ghost for you to crave my touch?_

I brush my fingers against your cheek every night in a desperate plea with God that you'll feel it. I pull you close and kiss youre forehead. I brush the hair out of your eyes. Yet, it doesnt seem to be of much good. You sleep soundly, like I'm not there at all.  
If I was a ghost, would you lay awake and strain your every sense to feel my fingertips against you? Would you remember me? Would you cry for me? Would you tremble and relax in great comfort, knowing I have finally arrived to you?

I fall into fate and wonder how you'll react when you learn I've died.

I became invisible. You still look around for me everyday, crying as though your tears will let you see me. You've broken yourself. You'd do anything to see my face just once more.  
I forgot all about you, and it snapped your sanity. You would sit there and beg for me to remember anything about you. I would just tell you I couldn't, and you'd look so exasperated. Like you needed me.  
I whispered to you, and you paid me so much attention I could have flown away. You listened to me and placed my soft whimper above priority of the other monotononous voices. I'd become the only one that it mattered to hear about anymore.  
I left you, and I could hear your nightmarish screams tearing me down from miles away. You just lost it, literally. In all of my time knowing you, youve never become as weak as you did when I was gone.  
I died. I killed myself when you turn away. The irony is how you search for me in your dreams. You'll stop at nothing for me to come home, back to my bed. Back to my home with you, where you claim I belong.  
When I got angry, I sometimes whispered to you that I hated you. I stared at you in such an angry manner, and you trembled beneath my eyes. And then the only thing you could possibly do is reflect on life without me. You always see that it isn't a good one.

I died in trying my hardest to find you, and you never let me. You pushed me away, after all I had done to make you realise. I became invisible for you, whispered to you, left for you, forgot you, told you I hated you, died for you, I did everything. I sacrificed more than I had to begin with.

**[[Just so we're all clear, this was a narrative in Matt's POV. I feel the need tyo point that out for some reason (Probably because it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I haven't slept for 2 days). Reviews make me happy and earn you cookies and hugs.]]**


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